It is possible that it’s just me.
In fact, there is a probability that I am not even truly that, or like that. I would know for sure when it happens to me and I respond accordingly, which response would obviously be in line with who I am, or how I am.
I was chatting with my mother about a relationship issue, neither casually nor in general. Something happened.
My mother is turning 69 in a couple of months. I consider that old. It’s the golden age. At this age, life should and would have been lived to the fullest and worries have no place in a person’s life. Actually, at almost 44 year old, I believe that I have lived fully. I am grown up.
I know I am growing up this year. I’m growing up properly. I’m kind of grown up.
If at my age I am saying that, in case my relationship fails to bear it out to the edge of doom, if it bends with the remover to remove, and if it is shaken by tempests (borrowing from Shakespeare, with gratitude), I will not be significantly affected, surely someone at least 20 years older than me will find it easier to accept what destiny delivers.
Or am I trivializing a major episode merely because of expectation of a certain age, or age in itself?
I am not even sure if I will definitely accept betrayal with a blasé attitude simply because I’m grown up.
Or am I, in reality, jaded?
Have the years taken the sparkle out of my being? Have I become too realistic? Others may mistake realism to pessimism…
I may be mistaking pessimism to realism…
Years of disappointments and countless experiences that tore the heart to pieces have rendered us weary, almost anticipating the next hurt, inevitably.
I hope not.
I hope that all those years lived have essentially taught us wisdom and self-confidence and experiences have prepared us for whatever fate may throw at us, gracefully.
I would like to believe that we are not jaded but emotionally self-sufficient, certain that no one else completes us or makes us happy. I have done my best to stand firm by my belief that I am all that I need, that I have everything within, to lead a complete and happy life. For a long time now, I have always considered self as the salary and a romantic relationship or another person or marriage the bonus.
I am that woman who has learned to take care of myself. I admit that I have been let down so many times that I cannot even remember all instances. I don’t think I am bitter. I learned from everything I went through in my life and having taken the good out of the bad, having made the best out of all that have happened to me, I am just happy in my own skin.
It doesn’t mean at all that I don’t want a person to accompany me in my journey. I may not need someone to hold my hand but it sure is good.
Therefore, when I don’t get a bonus, I remain pretty cool. I can’t go shopping for luxuries but life does not change. Life does not end as I know it.
I pray that my loved ones, the special people in my life, will feel the same way – self-assured, and will happily drink tequila in case lemons are thrown their way.