Our modern world is demanding. I find something screaming for attention wherever I turn. I don’t have ADD/ADHD but I am easily distracted. My head is constantly buzzing. However, I also recognize the importance of having the right priorities [for myself] so I am settling down for a few hours to focus on this priority, on what is important.
I have a friend… I call her a friend although I have not met her. We are blogging friends. We live in different continents. There are thousands of kilometers and a huge body of water separating us physically. It doesn’t stop me from feeling connected to her. It may have been only because of bendy bananas and/or the now-less/not-talked-about Brexit but her soul is now a mate of my soul.
I have other friends. Some are only a few kilometers away from me but save for one (or two, if I force it), it feels as though everyone is too busy with their own lives that we don’t really know how each of us is doing right now. We may know what we are all up to but that is where it ends. And I wrote ‘may’ not ‘do’. My partner has observed once or twice that perhaps I’m forcing friendships that have now expired.
On the contrary, this beautiful person is selfless, although she might think she is being selfish due to her current mental health status.
I am not saying my friends aren’t selfless. And I’m sure I’m as much to blame as anyone for any friendship going stale. We might even blame employers who, most of the time, demand all 7 days of the week to be consumed by work, albeit not the whole 24 hours per day, thank heavens. I could also easily blame a husband-and-children package seeing my friends are single.
But I digress… As I often do.
My blogging friend is real and authentic. She doesn’t hide her true self despite her fears. She truly lets people in her life, although it may be in spirit only for some of us. I feel more connected to her than a friend I’ve known for years. I do believe that she is a really good person who sometimes forgets that she is… especially right now.
My friend, this is for you.
You’re in an awfully horrid place at present. I am so sorry.
I don’t only understand your depression or relapse because I’ve gone through both…
I don’t only accept your suicidal thoughts because I had them, too, at some point in my life, no matter how long ago it was…
I don’t only understand your desire to harm yourself physically because I had the same in my past life, and acted on it..
I understand what you are going through because I know pain, emotional pain, and how it affects a person’s mental health.
I understand what you’re feeling right now because no matter how you force it, sometimes the hurtful past just won’t go away.
I am so far from truly knowing your pain. I will be pretentious and a liar to say I had the same pain. I know of pain but not your pain.
I only felt inadequate most of the time, having felt validated only when I was an achiever.
I only felt alone a lot of times, thinking people left me because they didn’t like or love me.
My first husband had affairs, true, but that’s it, and he only divorced me.
I was just a spoiled brat, a typical only-child!
No, I don’t know what would have become of me had I gone through what you went through as a child.
You are strong! Even when sometimes you feel helpless and hopeless. You are not strong because you fight, because you have to fight. You are strong because you want to be fine and you are doing something to get there although there are times speed bumps slow you down. As you said, you are just [feeling] fucked right now.
(People who know me know that I don’t use the f-word easily. I have to agree with you though. I have to accept that at present, the best description of your current state is fucked, not because I know but because you said so and I know that only you would know for sure where you are today.)
People are the problem. Not all, but there are. Evil people! Or even just those people who think they know us better. How?
Some of us are where we are because of the evil committed against us. YET, we are sissies because we dwell on the past, on the pain, on the fact that because of this evil, we are damaged.
Apparently, we should forgive and forget.
Apparently, we should be adults and move on.
Apparently, we were also at fault – at age <fill in the blank> when we were innocent and helpless!
To hell with that!
And I have to tell you not to be apologetic about breaking down. There is absolutely nothing wrong with tears and weakness.
There is nothing wrong with having to focus on your little world right now, if you feel that you have to. It is more than okay to just be concerned about yourself and no one else for now.
It is okay to be the person needing help at the moment instead of being the one to always help.
There is nothing wrong with your soul. You are perfect, even though on the outside you seem far from perfect. And you are special! You are special not because of your unique circumstance, or your past, and not even necessarily because of the person you have become or working on becoming. You are special, as in important and significant, with your flaws and imperfections, weakness and relapses, warts and all 😄😘, just because you are. ❤️
Don’t be bothered with people who don’t understand or care. You are right when you said a few days ago (or has it been longer?) that it’s better to have less people following you but who truly like you than have so many followers but some cause you emotional pain with their judgmental tendencies and inconsiderate attitudes.
Feeling trapped is okay because that’s how you truly feel. Must you fool yourself for the sake of positive vibes? Nonsense!
You said you couldn’t find something clever to end your vlog. It wasn’t the end but you did say something true and clever. We do look at other people thinking that they have life figured out. We think others have IT better. But the truth is we don’t know what’s behind that closed door.
We really don’t!
This is what’s important to me today, or at least the best part of my Saturday. My Spanish lesson can wait. I’m not going to Spain anytime soon. My walk can wait, too. After all, I only want to hatch my Pokémon eggs. 😂 (and my walking partner, my 4-year old is still asleep.. Yes, at almost 3pm 😳)
Work can also wait. It’s the weekend after all and my day job is supposed to be from Monday to Friday only.
At the end of my life, work stuff will simply be that which I did. I’d like my legacy to be that I had touched someone’s life… I know, selfish reason so please excuse me 😝… Even if our lives had been lived in different continents.
One day, in the very far future – say 100 years from now – she won’t hear from me, there will be no more new blog posts, and she will know that I have passed on but she will remember that I did what I could, in a way I knew, whether or not successful, to reach out to her, hoping to help ease her pain, even just slightly… I hope.
This is my significance!
To Imani ❤️
Thank you so much for making my life a little more meaningful, a little less superficial and a whole lot more purposeful!
That’s why you are special – even in your helplessness, you lift up others!