Still searching

On my January 2017 ruminations, I concluded that the first month of the new year flew by. I do think February pushed January out quickly. *sigh*

Did I think February was going to be less challenging and more cooperative? I don’t know. I was certainly surprised by what life threw my way last month.

Goals and what truly matter

Where did January go? Did I accomplish anything? Did I set my goals? What are my goals?

I better start cracking.

The thing with setting goals is no matter how knowledgeable you are when it comes to setting goals, it is still not a sure-fire way to achieve them. Life always happens. Temptations will come running in even if the door is not completely open; it only needs to be ajar.

So, I decided, my sights are on what truly matter to me and my life, the significant; not on the materialistic successes dictated by the world at large. That way, even when I temporarily get sidetracked, getting back on to the right path is easy.

A call to reevaluate

I got sick! It was only the 2nd week of the 2nd month and I got sick.

No, I wasn’t ill as in bed-ridden and couldn’t do anything.

I didn’t feel terrible from either a blocked or runny nose. I had no stomach bug or any other bug for that matter. I had the most awful headaches for two days in a row a week into the second month.

I never guessed I was suffering from hypertension. I had not seen any doctor of mine more panicked than me. Then again, I didn’t know what it means to have a 215/125 blood pressure. That was how clueless I was.

I was honestly convinced that I am too young, too active and too healthy to need a full medical test, complete with blood tests and some other for-female-only tests such as pap smear, mammogram and ultrasound to check on my uterus and breasts. The breast sonar scan was to make sure everything is picked up, even what the mammogram might have missed. Plus, apparently, I have dense breast tissue which means that the almost-non-existent breasts don’t necessarily exempt me from breast cancer.

I was so naïve.

That’s how I lost about half of February. I did try not to disappear into obscurity though.

Does that all make sense?

If, presently, that is all you do and you are, look ahead to the future and see if that all makes sense 20 to 30 years from now. If not, you [should] know what to do to truly live a full, purposeful and significant life. If you don’t, then it’s fine; perhaps your mission is to merely exist.

I’m doing the same.

My problem is that I have those days when I don’t even know that all that I do and I am. It can be quite frustrating and I occasionally consider just giving up. I think that perhaps I am complicating the simple. That’s why sometimes I don’t want to take that road called ponder.

But I only consider; I have a restless spirit.

I hope to have a clear picture in my head, at least, of my all that I am and I do. I do know where to start; with what I do. I will do a list of what I do (work, business, hobbies, socials, etc.) and who I am (to family, to friends, to people at work, to community, etc.). I am bound to figure out my exact all and if that all will still make sense when I’m gray and wrinkly.

Today is just one of those days when my head is a scatterbrain. A clear-head day is on its way.

I’m still searching, after all

I’m driving the big family car; it’s a Cayenne. I see the Fords. Hiding somewhere (it seems) in my heart, I feel a certain longing. I’ve always liked Ford. I also loved my Mazda RX8. But a Porsche is nice…


I’m walking around in the mall; in my flip flops, not dressed up, and face not even powdered. I tell myself I’ve become lazy. Am I not handling the growing old gracefully? The stilettos I love so much are in boxes, sad, unworn. I keep buying them; they stay in boxes or even the shopping bags (okay, only a pair this very moment). I cannot get used to this shabby look no matter how low maintenance and comfortable it is. There is nothing wrong with it. Personally though, looking good makes me feel good.


I am caught between the little girl from the island and the woman I have created of myself.

And I thought I have found me!

4 thoughts on “Still searching

  1. First of all, relax. Getting flustered will not help with the hypertension! We are all victims of a “better” diet, so perhaps look into healthier eating regime? Health afterall is the most important part of wealth!
    So don’t set too lofty goals. Sure you will not do the same in corporate life!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. That diet could also be causing the fatigue and overall “meh” feeling. And exercise! I must exercise. I just have proper wellness goals. Seriously! 😄 Thank you my favorite lovelies 💖😊


  3. “I am caught between the little girl from the island and the woman I have created of myself.” So profound. So insightful! How many of us carry both the person we were as a child and the person we have aspired to be as a grown-up? Both together at the same time! I love that you have a restless spirit, Anne! I think that is one of the things I admire about you! :: HUGS ::

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, my dear friend. I actually don’t know if it’s okay to carry both at the same time. I sometimes feel that somehow, one is not authentic… the woman! Yet, staying the girl feels like a cope out, lacking growth. What do you think? It’s the restless spirit that doesn’t accept the “as is” “just because”. 🙂 Much love to you, Theresa. Warmest hugs. xxx


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