His eyes would be cold and lifeless when he arrives back from his ride in the forest.
At breakfast, his father, King Eduardo, makes it clear that he, Prince Alejandro, must wed Princess Annabella, King Felipe’s daughter. The marriage between the sole heir and heiress to the thrones of the two biggest kingdoms would make one massive, powerful and invincible dominion within the Asianic territories.
Unbeknownst to King Eduardo, his son is in love with another. Her name is Mary. Prince Alejandro tells the king he is going riding to clear his head but he’s meeting Mary to tell her about his father’s intention.
Mary is waiting for him near their favorite giant tree by the river, not far from the waterfall. Her long shiny black hair glistens. Her pearl skin seems to sparkle. Her eyes incandescent, she flashes the most enchanting smile Alejandro has ever seen.
As they embrace, their love radiates like nothing the forest and its inhabitants have witnessed.
Alejandro vows not to marry Annabella. He only wants to know how to break the news to his father without disappointing him. The king’s heart condition is no secret to them. She urges him to go home and assures him that everything would be fine.
Upon seeing his son looking like death, the king sends for a healer. The prince protests saying he feels fine despite looking ill. He asks that his wish to retire to his room be respected. He persuades his father that his energy will replenish soon.
Alone in his room, peace surrounds Alejandro’s entire being. His father doesn’t need to know. He is happy. He is in love with a ‘diwata’, a forest goddess. His soul belongs to his enchantress and must now be taken to her kingdom.
Yes, I finally got a win! Thanks to the team of Cracked Flash Fiction and most especially to the judge (Mars).
Here’s my encouragement:
Judge: I was intrigued from the get-go on this piece; line one was cleverly written in the fact that it gives us a glimpse into the future but doesn’t tell us why the prince’s eyes might be death-like. It was an excellent foreshadowing technique.
For my double win, apart from the encouragement, I got this feedback that got me going and I have started re-writing (since I don’t have the 300-word limit anymore):
Judge: The passage read choppily to me; most of the sentences follow one of two sentence patterns, and they tend to be very telling instead of showing, so it ends up with a kind of “See Spot run. Spot runs fast,” feel (“Her name is Mary,” being the prime example). Perhaps if this piece were written in third person limited, possibly past tense (I am biased towards that, I confess; I did feel like the present tense could work if this were less of an overview and an in-character shot).
And, I had an idea from the last part of her comment (below):
Judge: I like the idea of the story–that of a prince stuck in a political marriage but loving a forest goddess, and the forest goddess basically claiming him as her own. There are great building blocks here. Good job!
Not only that! (Sounds like an infomercial, right?) The prompt yesterday was a perfect coincidence… Serendipity? The flash fiction I submitted is going to form part of the beginning of the story as revised. So, I might even have a full draft of a fantasy romance novel in my head already. 🙂
For a little taste of what’s cooking:
What do you think?
I seem to just keep adding to the many works-in-progress I already have. Me thinks I should stop creating new ones and just get cracking with the ones waiting to be written to completion.