The day after I turned 30, I had a terrible back pain. I was convinced old age was out to get me from that day. I even went to a chiropractor to help me fix my back. Luckily, he was such a cutie. 🙂 Ah… but I – my car – accidentally reversed on his little tree. It was a good thing I didn’t really have a problem with my back at all because I think I didn’t go back after that.
About ten days ago, I wrote: “In the next 30 days, my goal is to have a clearer understanding of what I want the most in life and what I am willing to sacrifice to achieve it/them.” I know myself (sort of, ha-ha!) so I know that writing helps me with my introspection.
But, does life cooperate? Ah, not always. I am reminded that life wasn’t meant to be easy. Sporadically, but reminders I definitely get.
A month before that, I wrote a post: “New Normal“. Indeed, life has a sense of humor. I said then and I say it often. Life is quite mischievous. Whenever I think I have everything under control – bearing in mind my tendency to be a control-freak – life throws at me something that jolts me back to reality.
I should accept that I cannot control my life completely. I guess, I’m being stubborn. Is there even a point in missing the “good ol’ days” when I got more things done because I was fine with less sleep? I should be asleep by now, actually.
I was going to write about my first realization as I count down to 45. It’s nothing profound. In fact, it must be insignificant as I cannot even remember what I wanted to say when I started this post 24 hours or so ago. Perhaps, it was something about acknowledging my horrible short-term memory, a.k.a. forgetfulness, and doing something about it.
Whatever it was, it was overshadowed by the words of Dr Gus Mills. Dr Mills, an author and zoologist, has 40 years of research on African carnivores under his belt. If you didn’t know, that’s okay. I also only discovered yesterday. I was listening to the radio on my way to work.
I cannot quote Dr. Mills verbatim due to my obvious lack of photographic memory but it was something like this:
If the only surviving lions are those kept in captivity, then we, as humans, have failed them miserably!
I agreed immediately. And, those words got me thinking.
It is true: we may be able to tame the wild but we cannot domesticate them. Lions and tigers are no pets.
Similarly, we can (try to) tame the world, fate, loved ones, circumstances, etc. but we cannot turn them into something they are not.
Sometimes, notwithstanding the good medical tests results, my health will do its own thing and my body will say that I am less than 100% healthy.
Some of us grow up (fine, older) too quickly, before we are ready. And it’s not about the number. The heart is young but the body? Not so much.
Some people we encounter belong to the wild and no amount of taming will keep them in the house without them pouncing on the vulnerable victim. We must let them go.
Sometimes, life is really beyond my control.
I might as well forget about that party I was thinking of having for my 45th birthday. I am now leaning towards dinner with the most loved and the closest, where kids are allowed.
I can no longer ignore that I’m getting older and I am therefore more comfortable with the “comfortable”. After all, I am more than happy enough to be with family and close friends. The intention to go into politics isn’t there anymore. I don’t even want to be a diplomat. I have given up on being Miss Congeniality, too. I gave up the “Miss” over 20 years ago anyway.
There’s my first realization and it’s nothing new even. It’s that darned big C word: CONTROL.
I should relinquish control!
I’m definitely giving it a go. Again. This time, I won’t play or pretend, promise!
I might as well embrace aging and enjoy my birthday!