Sometimes, I wish someone will just appear, out of nowhere even, and give me the magic potion that will cure my ailments and keep them away from me for years!
I don’t write about what I’m going to write now because I am fully aware of the [over]sensitivity of some people or groups of people. I fear that I will be severely criticized for perceived insensitivity. However, there are times when I really feel that I should be booked off on disability. I am always sick that I don’t feel able to do what I used to do and what I normally am capable of doing without much effort.
I was never a sickly person. I hardly took sick leave. I even used to go to work when I was unwell. I was a typical woman who didn’t say, “I’m sick.” I also had a lot of stress then. I blame aging but hubby says I’m not old enough to blame my age. I don’t know why then.
I have always been the “eater” that I am now. I probably ate more junk 10 years ago. I even drank alcohol and I smoked! I went out partying and I had less sleep than what I get now.
So, yes. I want in my reality the fantasy I write about. I want magic. I want spells. I want that world where I can make my illness disappear and for good.
But I am not a witch and I don’t have powers. I miss my youth. I miss the old times when I was as healthy as a horse.
Then, when I thought it couldn’t get worse, the road nightmares to which I am subjected daily pushed me to the edge and I broke down. I know… do you know of anyone who had a nervous breakdown because of the frustration from traffic? Probably not.
I suppose the situation would have been slightly different if I didn’t have fear in my heart. Perhaps I wouldn’t have had a break down if I didn’t dread the anger or sarcasm or even rudeness of someone when I am unavoidably held up in traffic and thus late for work.
However, could it be also that it was just a catalyst?
Could it be that I have been harboring frustration, irritation, anger, sadness, hopelessness, etc. and I just couldn’t keep those negative feelings anymore?
Was it simply the time to release the pent up emotions, whether I liked it or not?
In short, I’m back on my “happy pills”. Hopefully, six months on medication will do wonders for the wiring of my brain.
I hope you’ll stick around.
Thank you for all the support always.
Much love and hugs,