Doubts and Certainties

Some time between birth and death, we discover that there are certainties in life that we can proudly claim to know. Similarly, during our existence, we eventually have to admit to being doubtful about a few things that we encounter in life. Perhaps, a number of us will question more than have conviction.

I am sure that there are some folks out there who think as I do that the lyrics of Bon Jovi’s “These Days” contain some of the truest, most powerful and heartfelt words ever written.

Jimmy Shoes busted both his legs, trying to learn to fly
From a second story window, he just jumped and closed his eyes
His momma said he was crazy – he said, “Momma, I’ve got to try.
Don’t you know that all my heroes died?
And I guess I’d rather die than fade away.”

I feel the same and I’m almost always teary-eyed as I sing along… “And I guess I’d rather die than fade away.” Indeed, for me, fading away is worse than dying. Now, imagine dying when you have faded away! Don’t!

But wait! What Jimmy shoes? Why shoes? Thanks to the internet, I found an answer over at Genius.Com. (Click on the highlighted lines to see the comment.)

“Jimmy Shoes is Jimmy Lovine’s nickname. Jimmy Lovine is a producer and is on the Special Olympics committee with Jon Bon Jovi. He’s produced the Concert for New York after the terrorist attacks on 09-11. Jon was the first person he called when organizing the line up.”

I can now move on and stop thinking that Bon Jovi was crazy about the shoes part.

I am sure that I have always believed with all my heart that “I’d rather die than fade away”. I have learned to be an overachiever to compensate for my feeling of inadequacy. I have taught myself to excel and make a difference. I am open to learning something new and to growing every day. I dream and I dream big. I think that I have written before that my mother tells me to come down to earth and to stop my nonsensical impossible dreams. She has never understood and probably she will not ever understand my restless spirit.

“Momma, I’ve got to try!” That part of the song is one certain reality in my life. The young me used to say, like many of us back then in the Philippines, “Try and try until you die.” I think it’s meant to be until you succeed. It’s kind of satirical, I suppose. However, in the 90s, I had to deliberately remove (or try to remove) the word ‘try’ from my vocabulary. A motivational speaker (or book?) said that the word ‘try’ is the very thing that stops people from succeeding, although a word cannot possibly cause failure. Not necessarily, I’d say.  Apparently, we must just ‘do’ [it]: something we can learn from Nike. So, I stopped trying and I started doing. Both my doctor (GP) and therapist (Psychologist) do not wonder anymore why I am so bloody exhausted. I have been on that constant move – doing – for at least 15 years.

Summing up my belief:

“If, presently, this is all I do and I am, I look ahead to the future and see if this all makes sense 20, 30, 50 years from now. If not, I know what to do to truly live a full, purposeful and significant life. There is no such a thing as ‘If I don’t, then it’s fine.’ I don’t believe that my mission can ever be to merely exist. While not all of us were sent with special missions or to do great stuff I cannot accept that I am one of those who simply choose to be defiant or stubborn… and waste oxygen.”

I am not perfect! That isn’t news. But, I do have the tendency to be a perfectionist. I am Friends‘ Monica. I am Miranda from Sex and the City. I am Jane from my son’s newfound favorite short-lived series, Happy Endings. That is, if I have to be pigeon-holed.

I was reading one of the many emails The Write Practice sends. Below is an excerpt.

The Positive Side of Being a Perfectionist Writer

I’ve found that being a perfectionist isn’t always about being perfect but also about constantly wanting to improve and grow. The positive side of perfectionism is a motivating belief that our work, our writing, and ourselves can be made better daily.

I’ve found that my perfectionism comes from believing in something like this:

Almost every successful person begins with two beliefs: The future can be better than the present. And I have the power to make it so.
—David Brooks

Perfectionists have the belief that we can constantly be making things better. Who I am will never allow myself to stop improving, or believe that “what I do now, and who I am now is good enough.”

For that, I am thankful to be a perfectionist.

I am self-diagnosed to have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Obviously, it is unreal. I am simply being my melodramatic self. I do not display the symptoms of someone truly suffering from the disorder. I am not a clean-freak in a way that I do not wash my hands until they bleed. My closet might betray me looking at the color-coded hangers, the way the clothes are hung and other little tell-tale signs. I do know why I am inclined to be obsessive or a perfectionist or a neat-freak, even control-freak, to the detriment of my beauty sleep, or plainly put, that desperately needed rest. That’s a post for another day though. Actually, I realized that being slightly OC is inevitable due to my feeling of inadequacy so that’s going to my non-fiction book which is currently a WIP. Not that I am sure about my theory or theories…

I am not sure what’s going on but something isn’t too lekker in my head. My suspicion is that the real me was kidnapped and replaced by either a ghost, a zombie or a robot.

These days, apart from work, all I do is sleep. If I’m not sleeping or napping, I am thinking of getting all warm and falling asleep. I don’t sleep at work because I need to work so the necessity to earn a living keeps me awake but I don’t stop wanting to sleep. Consequently, at the end of a work day, exhaustion has the best of me.

There is one place that seems to keep me awake: the casino. Perhaps the lights and the sound wake me up but it is possible that it’s relaxing for me as being there requires no brain power, albeit costly.

However, there is a possibility that what is happening with me right now is a side-effect of my medication, which should have disappeared after a couple of weeks (my GP said) but has lingered on because I am not very good at taking medication. Needing to take medication for both hypertension and anxiety/depression is most awful for a forgetful person who keeps no routine except for all things work-related.

C’est la vie!

Life does not, as it shouldn’t, come to a complete halt despite the lethargy. I think… hmm… I may have allowed myself to be in the limbo but every now and then I am able to get out of it. I’m sure… or am I? I’ve gone out to lunch and dinner with family and friends. I’ve taken my little ballerina, who participated in her first ever ballet performance, to watch Smurfs Live on Stage. I’ve even booked to go to the theater to watch The Lord the Dance (with hubby), Swan Lake (with hubby and our little ballerina), and Evita (with my girl friends). I don’t sound convincing, I guess. I am personally not convinced. But, I sure am looking forward to spring.

Coincidentally, although ‘serendipitous’ might be the more appropriate word, I came across an article on LinkedIn. Overall, it was interesting and thought-provoking but one specific line was imprinted on my mind:

“Maybe the real revolution is making time to make sense of it all.”

– Jeff DeGraff, For Better or Worse, Technology Erodes Boundary Between Personal and Professional Life

Time is such a scarce resource. I wonder if I can make sense of it all. Or, if I really need to.

I really am unsure!

There will always be uncertainties in life. Fortunately, the positive opposite will also be consistently present, infallibly.

2 thoughts on “Doubts and Certainties

  1. We live everyday as if it might be our last. But don’t get us wrong. We don’t go out there and just binge out or do wild stuff. Just live it pleasantly. Time is indeed scarce and passes fast. No time to fade!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nope, fading isn’t acceptable! 😊 Live life to the fullest but still with a sense is responsibility and as a fine member of humanity. Describe you two perfectly! Much love and hugs 💖🤗

      Liked by 1 person

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