Of the subjects, let me first tackle self-doubt. Mine!
Fate shall follow.
Or, maybe they are intertwined. Who knows? Not me.
I don’t think I know much. I can’t even bloody write a good short story with only 1,500 words. You judge for yourself. You can even vote for my short story if you think it’s worth your vote. Haha! You can visit Short Fiction Break (SFB) website. My story is “The Last Leaf of Fall“.
Nothing else best describes self-doubt than my Tuesday, a couple of days ago. Sure, I was off to a good start, except for stomach bug which was really from two days before, but reality has a way of shaking me from my daydream.
About three weeks ago, I decided to be a part of the world of short story writing contest for real. No, it wasn’t my first time. (The contest was a collaboration between The Write Practice and Short Fiction Break. I think it’s a regular thing they do.) However, for this specific contest, I actually spent time thinking of what to write and a lot more time writing, reading, revising, re-reading, editing, considering critiques, and more editing. I put it aside for about five days, first by choice and later due to health reasons. Deadline for submission was Monday, 23h59, Pacific Time. I brought it out of its hiding place for my final edits on Monday night, South African time.
Once the business of submission was over, my focus shifted back to work.
Update, 18 March 2018: The full story is now published HERE.
While work isn’t a passion, I like it enough to do it every week day. It also pays well: for necessities and luxuries. It even pays for my passion. It also does not totally deny me time for my passion. Still, I recently decided, although not quite final, that I would not proceed with my ACCA qualification and I would instead take formal training and courses in writing, albeit slowly. My plan was that more of my time will eventually be dedicated to writing and publishing (my business partner and good friend are in the process of starting something new [for us] related to publishing) and less time in the world of finance and accounting… less but will still be part of my world. I love finance. I love accounting. They are not my passion but I love them enough.
As fate would have it, I would wake up from my dream of making it in the literary–or some genres–world so I may realize that I belong to commerce. Sigh!
John Keating, Dead Poets Society: “We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.”
I must stick to sustaining life. Forget passion…
Away from my castle (in the air), my boss was sharing with me the developments on some of the initiatives started and a new one which started off as hope is about to get big. He told me that as soon as it’s running, I will also be CFO of that entity which means a significant adjustment of my current salary. Yes, a ‘significant adjustment’, not just a bloody good ‘raise’. I understand that there will be more work but I am cool with more work. I like more money a lot, too.
I decided to transfer my energy from ‘life sustenance‘ to ‘passion‘ and a golden carrot [enticing me to keep the status quo] was held in front of me.
Definitely fate! I think so…
…because I read my submitted story on the website of SFB and it was not as good as initially thought it was. In fact, I seriously thought it was awful! I don’t know right this moment what I think about it. Perhaps you can tell me on the comment once you’ve read it. I couldn’t help voice out what I was feeling to The Write Practice community.
“What the heck was I thinking? My story is so blah!”
Yeah, ginormous self-doubt.
I guess I should give thanks that I was shown I could be making a wrong decision. I had a quick about-face and ACCA exams are back on schedule while writing courses are left for later, when there is spare time. For now, I will continue to suck at writing…
Yes, I suck at writing!
Damn, I’m not even a good gambler!
Well, at least gambling teaches me that the reality of life is sometimes, no matter how hard you try, no matter how hard to play those affirmations in your head, no matter how convincing your life coach may sound, some things are just awful and no amount of perseverance will make it better. If it’s a kak* machine, it’s just kak*. Although I must say that sometimes, the machine might not be exactly the problem but the one playing the machine. Haha!
Machine or gambler, at least the ‘kakness‘ is enough reason for the gambler to quit.